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alilkrap
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Name: alilkrap
Interests: living life freely. to throw away my inhibitions. but establish good boundaries. to find people who i can be comfortable being with on my worst days and be secure in who i am, knowing that they will still love me, stand by me, understand me, challenge me, and help me grow.
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Member Since:
7/28/2005
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I like it because it's strange, small, and fun/cute looking.
Much like the reason why i like the Nissan Cube (especially with the fun interior design packet). Contrary, to other people's beliefs, I don't necessarily like "boxy" things (I don't like the other boxy cars out there), they just happen to be boxy.
The Nokia Twist can fit on your key chain, the back side is a mirror, and the key hole lights up different colors when the phone rings.
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On an entirely different note, one of the struggles I'm experiencing as a therapist now is the awkwardness of having to build rapport with my client to trust me while I don't necessarily trust my client. Most of the time, we therapists are there because we want to advocate for our client and support them because we believe in them. It's hard to realize that, sometimes, we can't always believe what they say because then our assessment isn't always going to be accurate, especially for clients who are court mandated. In efforts to help, I can't lose sight of my objectivity. I felt easily duped because I felt manipulated by my client's story. It's always hard to cipher out the truth when people are telling you different things. I hate that discrepancy.
And to switch subjects once again...
I am going to ramble from here on out to figure things out for myself.
There are usually mixed emotions and different parts of people that feel different things at the same time. For me, there's a part of me that's angry that we've started talking again. This is what I'll say for a topic I don't want to talk about:
The part of me that doesn't want to go there wants to act like everything is okay like nothing ever happened. Another part of me is angry that he would go along with that and not be a man and try harder to broach the topic. I don't know his intentions or whatever "game plan" he may or may not have and I'm not banking or acting in hopes of one. Because from what I know of him, he usually doesn't have a plan and just does things. However, even if he wanted to really talk--to be willing to really talk about those things means re-living terrible emotions and a miserable time in my life. I would hate him for making me feel and think about those times again if we were to talk about it, even though it's necessary to talk about those things to truly reconcile (i'm not talking about restarting; just reconcile), right? Maybe that's just it. Maybe I dont feel the need to rehash things because I came to terms with a lot of it on my own when he wasn't in my life, but now... now that he is there, it changes things somehow.
So, a part of me wants absolutely nothing to do with him even in the slightest of ways. I feel insulted in some ways when he goes along with me, acting like nothing happened as if it were okay to have treated me like that or as if he just gets a free pass when he does not apologize and take responsibility for his actions. But, at the same time, I don't care... it's not my problem if he blames me. I don't know what's going on in his head or how he perceived things and i've come to a point where i can say that's not my problem. Even if he thinks he has nothing to be sorry for, i've chosen to let it go and do my best to forgive what I need to forgive to move on. In that aspect, I feel fine talking to him again because i've chosen to forgive him and who i am isn't dependent on what he says or how he treats me.
At the same time, I don't trust him and to talk to him makes me feel like I'm lying to myself, in part. I don't need to trust him to talk to him, says the other part. A part of me feels powerful to be okay in front of him. I don't know if there is an element of denial somewhere.
I'm the one who told him before he didn't have to say anything. ...because his words can have little meaning to them, I don't want to talk about it, and I want to keep it over and done with. It would hurt to get an apology from him b/c I would have to relive some painful emotions. At the same time, the part of me that wanted an apology never thought I would get an honest one from him anyway let alone hear from him again, so I had to deal with what I could on my end on my own and forgive what I could without an apology. And maybe that's what I'm angry about. If I really did forgive him, why should I care if he's getting off with a "free pass"? It's not that I want him to be punished... I guess it's that I don't know if he'll do it again and b/c I don't know if he thinks he did anything wrong. But even so, I am stronger now and I know how to maintain better boundaries now, so what am I so annoyed about? Maybe I'm angry with myself that a part of me would still like him to broach the topic and to try harder. Maybe it's because it still hurts a little to not get an apology. What a "double-bind"/ double-edged sword/ a little "Catch-22" there.
The part of me that will have some degree of care for him believes that he will never change while I'm looking. A part of me believes that if I'm in his life, it will keep him complacent and that there's nothing I can do for him--furthermore, maybe i'm no good for him b/c maybe i am wrong and too critical. Part of me believes that to even have a chance of changing... for him to even have a chance of wanting to and implementing change, it has to be while I look the other way. He has to do it on his own (not necessarily without help, but it has to be his responsibility not anyone else's) and there's a part of me that feels like i'm a detriment to that potential possibility of growth. As long as i'm in his life to some extent, he's gonna think it's okay where he is. As ludicrous as this part sounds, there is a part of me that believes this. Maybe because there is this part of me that thinks he needs to change, I will never be able to accept him for who he is and that makes me feel horrible. Maybe that's why I need to walk away.
I mirror a lot of Ri.hanna's sentiments and words... the fact that it's annoying that there's any kind of emotion left... genuinely and sincerely wanting the best for him and hopes he'll learn and grow but wanting nothing to do with him at the same time... and just finding a lot of things about him annoying... I don't think we keep lying to ourselves just to protect the other person, I think it's also to protect ourselves. What would it mean to get so angry, to hate, to feel more intense pain... on the flipside, what would it mean to still hope, to still be there... as if we never learned, really are a fool, and back to square one. it's a process of healing but I think we want to be free right away that to go through those emotions would feel like we were stuck in the pain. For me, I know I felt stuck for a very very long time and never thot it would end. I know I've healed a lot but that it's still a process, but I have no desire to go through all those emotions again with him even in efforts to heal the relationship with him. Cuz as mean or jaded as this may sound, I don't think he gets it and wonders (read: doubts) if he'll ever get it.
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| "The thing that men don't realize when they hit a woman is the face, the broken arm, the black eye--it's gonna heal. That's not the problem. It's the scar inside. You flashback, you remember it all the time, it comes back to you whether you like it or not. and it's painful.
I don't think he understood that. They never do. They don't know that. They can't know that.
[There's] nothing [I want to hear from him]. Really, what I want is for him to accept this as a man would and accept the responsibility and not find a way to feel sorry for himself.
It's actually rather annoying that there's still some kind of emotion there.
No, [i don't hate him now]. i want him to do well, have a great career, have a great life, and grow up. and just take this as something you had to go through to grow up and learn.
I definitely think it's possible to change, it depends on if you want to.
I'm not dating right now. I don't want to date right now. It's too much right now.
I AM strong. This happened to me. This can happen to anybody."
The Stages of Change
The stages of change are:
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Precontemplation (Not yet acknowledging that there is a problem behavior that needs to be changed)
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Contemplation (Acknowledging that there is a problem but not yet ready or sure of wanting to make a change)
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Preparation/Determination (Getting ready to change)
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Action/Willpower (Changing behavior)
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Maintenance (Maintaining the behavior change) and
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Relapse (Returning to older behaviors and abandoning the new changes) Termination - (individuals have zero temptation and 100%
self-efficacy... they are sure they will not return to their old
unhealthy habit as a way of coping)
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| I had to learn the harder way the concept of healthy boundaries. Boundaries never became such a big word or concept for me than it has these past two years.
Domestic violence (DV includes physical, financial, sexual, mental OR emotional abuse) really can happen to anyone -- to the smartest of people. There's a lot of disbelief and ignorance in the general public of the context of DV. I'm not an expert, but through my classes I've been enlightened to a degree.
I watched Ri.hanna's interview (I also watched C.hris Br.own's too) and I related a lot to what she said. I could probably take 3/4th of that interview and use her eloquent words verbatim to describe my own feelings and experiences. I was never physically abused so i'm not talking about the details of the specific incident, but I'm talking about the context of where she's coming from and how she felt/feels and the ways she copes.
I think a lot of us women get confused about what love is (or more poignantly, what loves is NOT). The idea of having boundaries in relationships... boundaries on love is unromantic -- it's not something that's gonna sell movies or be pervasively talked about. For me, it even seemed counter-intuitive to what love stands for: Isn't love supposed to be unconditional? How can unconditional love have boundaries? That's not what I learned about at church. ETC.
I don't know why the Bible never uses the word "boundary" or explicitly discusses the topic. It makes it harder to figure out. Yes, in a perfect world, each person would provide perfect love for each other and boundaries wouldn't have to be emphasized because perfect love would naturally protect and provide for each involved.
I think a lot of times people say "love is blind" because I think a lot of times people don't know or aren't aware of the rules/boundaries to love before we get into it. But even if people know, DV can happen to the best of us. It's UNfunnily ironic how it happens that girls who grow up witnessing their father abusing their mother and promise themselves they will never be with a man like that and think they've found someone who is completely opposite of their father end up learning that the two may not be so different.
Love/to love shouldn't be dangerous but often times it seems so, to me.
www.yourpotential.net/3/5/A_Checklist_on_Boundaries_in_a_Relationship.html
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| trust can be broken in a moment, in various ways. some ppl start off trusting everyone and trusts them until it's broken; some people don't trust from the get-go but take a lot of time to make sure the person is trustworthy before trusting.
I'm learning that it feels nearly impossible to regain trust once it's broken. lost may be a better word because i'm not sure it can be found. I think it's rare and not really short of a miracle when each person can do their part and factors come together so well that a relationship can be genuinely and deeply healed.
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| very tired, sleepy, and busy. which is good but stressful. sometimes i wish to have a "Pretty Woman" moment and have someone sweep me away to a fantasy land. Have a random flight somewhere. Escape normalcy and reality and enter magic. witness the perfect view, where all you see is a world of wonder.
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