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alilkrap
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Name: alilkrap
Interests: living life freely. to throw away my inhibitions. but establish good boundaries. to find people who i can be comfortable being with on my worst days and be secure in who i am, knowing that they will still love me, stand by me, understand me, challenge me, and help me grow.
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Member Since:
7/28/2005
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| i feel a bit blue.
maybe it's stress.
i miss... stuff... people... feeling accompanied. having fun with someone can be addicting.
kinda don't want to be in school right now... kinda don't want to work right now... kinda don't want to think right now.
maybe i'm hormonal... but today i feel sad. :(
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| there comes a point where there's nothing left to say or do, but to live each day. | | |
| I must learn to love the fool in me--the one who feels too much, talks
too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks
self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks
promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly
self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob
me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.
-- Theodore I. Rubin, MD
I've made a conscious effort as of late to be more uninhibited, maybe even a bit exhibited. Trying to fight for my place in this life, where I don't want to be left to my own neurotic thoughts all the time and want to achieve how to feel more freeeee.
Still trying to figure out who i am and secure a place for myself in this world. Life is about learning and, even at 27, I'm still experimenting. Eventually, I may find that right balance for me and establish some good boundaries. But, I guess, I've learned that we're all in the process of learning. Even my dad @ 70.
We may not all process things at the same speed or even come to the same learning outcome... sometimes, it seems like people never learn or that some have just given up and stopped learning. But I guess what this perspective helps me to understand is... compassion.
[Otherwise,] How do you work with people who have such different perspectives than you, how do you not get fed up with people who just seem so immature, how do you even stand people and all of their faults and weaknesses? How do you forgive and let go of people, words, and memories that have deeply hurt you so much?
I've been running away from the concepts of compassion, kindness, and grace because I was tired of feeling like the loser or playing the fool all the time. I more than half wished that I were more conniving and getting what I wanted no matter the means rather than live the life of an honest loser.
But as I've experienced the TUMULTUOUS emotions and stages of...LIFE...i've come to a point where I feel compassion settling back in. It's something that still has to be nurtured and it's not out of pity or duty because i'm right there still learning too... in need of it too. we each have our our own ticks, vices, haunts, childhood traumas, and situations to take care of, etc... some things will be easier for one than the other on both ends.
Compassion doesn't negate or take away from the matter of free-will or choice. We all have reasons for the way that we are but not everyone comes out of the same situations with the same perspective, attitude, or response. In the end, we will have to take responsibility for our actions even if we're still learning. But, we are still learning so each choice isn't an end to its own and, hopefully, compassion is there to guide us to a better end.
For me, one thing is, i've even learned that i'm in need of giving myself grace. i've learned to think and feel for myself...to allow myself the potential to make more mistakes and not become so neurotic over if what i think or feel is "right". Feelings really are what they are. I guess it's what you do with them that count.
I'm not a saint so if I get hurt again, i may absolutely get furious, cry, and curse. I would hope I could learn how to deal with my feelings better each time, but it's gonna take what it's gonna take to get me through it and hopefully back to a place of peace, hope, and kindness.
I guess this is a good note to end on as I have started to ween myself off my own personal therapy and try to get a good grip on coping with my own life, and I start my internship and see my first clients this week. In school, we're taught so many applicable life tools, such as the importance of finding personal/emotional/psychological boundaries that would actually make us be more effective and helpful with clients. We're also taught to help people find their strengths to help them have ammunition/collateral to work through the "bad"/hardship(s)... and it's also what I leave with in my own personal journey: remembering the good and giving compassion to the bad... appreciating their strengths/good parts and giving compassion to the rest, knowing that we're all still learning.
To... making better mistakes tomorrow!
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| I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.
The success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done.
-Mother Teresa--a fellow INFJ.
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| I used to be a risk taker- I am so much more careful now- and sometimes, it saddens me. But the truth is-I am continuing to learn that I must pry open my foolish heart... to teach her vanity to deny itself and take chances on improbable prospects- to convince her that it is she who is right and the rest of the world need take mind of their own arrangement. That your body and prized effects promise to wither, the seasons will always change, and that you too will be challenged on the contents of your heart, and the core of your very being by those who know you, love you, even dislike you...and when you expire, that will be your only legacy. -md
I read once that if we could, some of us would stay a kid forever; the only thing pushing us forward is the generation below ready to take our throne.
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